What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 16:15
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What is your secret to glowing skin?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Comes on , in middle age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Would this be the day?
When she asked me how she looked .
Is depression a cause for always feeling tired?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
What does it mean when someone says "I'm feeling frisky"?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were not on the streets..
I will be 64.
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im still living with it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He knew the spot.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She found it foreign!.
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I don,t even have a pension.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She wouldn,t have been !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Who then, do I blame.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It was going to be , some day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was scared of men, in general
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I said to her
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My life is so biszare .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ive learnt so much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i do to all so called friends.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him